everything inbetween

I fell hard, and you weren’t there to catch me.

I know im stupid and childish, but I have to be while I can. I am young so why not be a little stupid? Why not fall hard? There is nothing to lose. I admit I did wrong but so did you, no I’m not saying this is your fault because it isn’t but you cant get mad at me when you left. How do you think I feel? Put yourself in my shoes. I fell, no doubt about that. But man you fucked with my brain. “We are just friends.” “You don’t show enough affection.” “If he asks you’re my sister.”

Then you find an upgrade so you pass me on and say he will make me happy… The truth is I was so unsure of what happy was. You made me happy but it sure as hell wasn’t right. Him, Your friend, He was nice but he wasn’t you. You made it known to me that she made you happy. You showed me every time you two talked, You let me know you had moved on; but I was still attached to this idea that you and I would work.

See you are the closest I have gotten to a guy. I had countless of dreams of you and I being the college sweethearts, of you and I being that couple that everyone wants be. But it was all just a dream wasn’t it? I didn’t want to face reality because I knew it wasn’t going to work, but look at me now… Everyday trying to fix it, everyday trying to get something that will never happen.

I know I must move on but how can one day someone mean so much to you, and not even a month later you are being told to move on. I believe that if someone once meant a lot to you, you shouldn’t let them go easily… obviously I meant nothing to you.

I’m sorry for trying but stop leading me on. One second you say I annoy you and the next you want to fix shit. Please stop and think, make up your mind before you wreck mine. I over think everything. You know that. So stop making me do the thinking. Make up your mind for once and stick to it.

Sorry for being pathetic, I’ll be positive soon.

Days come and go. They are good and bad.

Recently more bad than good. Something so stupid making me cry myself to sleep almost every night. The nightmare of not being able to go to nationals slowly becoming a reality. Nothing is getting better.

Not wanting to go to school becoming a day to day event. My bed holding me hostage every day. Boredom takes over my days as I sit in the classes full of empty bodies, the emotionless humans surround me. I cant escape.

Why is everyone so annoying. Talk to much, to loud, to in my business. New person… we’ll call her Dorothy. I feel like she wants to wreak my life. The one time im happy she comes along and sticks her makeup covered face in my business. I’m over it.  Can she please leave me alone. Being a friend you are supposed to want me to be happy but I feel like you just want to break me apart.

At a low in life. Over it. Just want to be happy.

Life happens. Now third term and slightly dyeing. I’m realizing that instead of doing nothing every day these holidays I should have done my homework.

Nothing intense has happened. I’m now in an amazing goofy friend group, who I love to bits. I surround myself with amazing positive people. im pretty content with where im at. work is good and fun, youth is amazing, school is school but we started our new techs so now I get to do music four times a week. im happy.

Not everything is going perfect but its about finding the good in every situation.

Life is a crazy roller coaster of happiness and tears. lets see where it takes us…

As the rain falls at this late hour I can only dream of whats happening on Monday. The new experience. out of the country, and away from all this drama.

Going to a country I haven’t been before. ticking them off one by one.

A cruise to a summer paradise.

The only thing I hate is leaving. Not Being able to talk to my friends, or share my experiences. Recently I have talked to people who I haven’t talked to in ages, its annoying how when we just started talking im going for a month.

straight after getting back from the cruise i get the chance to go to Great Barrier island for 16 days. im excited to see what the future holds…

Tomorrow/today ( 11/03 ) is my amazing sisters birthday. I love her to bits. She is my best friend. She will always be there for me when i am down and I for Her.

I’m over putting 100% into someone and not getting at least 50% back. This isn’t just about guys, its about friends as well. I always put so much into everyone and everything. People my age don’t do that. People in general don’t do that.

Have you ever wanted to change something so bad that every night you cry because of it. because same.

I don’t know why im like this and normally people will say ” and I don’t care” but the truth is I do; I care. I have lost so many people because of this. It kills me.

I worry more about what others say and think about me I would change anything and everything. I wore makeup to school; all because someone looked at me the wrong way. Or what I think is the wrong way.

Everybody says “don’t think about what others say about you” but the truth is I have tried, and I cant. Every time some one merely looks at me I over think it and go nuts trying to think up some crazy reason why they looked at me. Even if they didn’t look at me and were just scanning to find someone.

idk im probably crazy.

Well…

Since I have never been in any form of relationship I have never received anything for valentines. Through the years my friends and we always get each other chocolate or a little teddy but nothing of incredible value. This year is going to be very different.

I’m still not sure where I am with friend groups and who likes to hang out with me. Tbh it sucks. I have no one to talk to about my mini dramas, I have no one to gossip to about year 9s thinking they are top notch.

I have no one to talk to about how over guys I am. like seriously guys are annoying, they don’t speak their mind, they don’t say things straight up. If you are a guy reading this go tell your crush you like them. Go tell that annoying chick who keeps asking you out to stop and you don’t like her. Stop beating around the bush. be straight up.

School sucks, seeing people who I haven’t talked to in ages. It breaks me when I cant just go up to them and gossip or cry or laugh.

I’m over school and its only the third week, thank goodness I’m going away for a month so I can get away from this hell hole.

I have never been popular. I have never had 20 friends. Sure I know lots of people but I can’t go up to any of them and talk about whats really going on in my life.

In year 5 I made a friend, we were inseparable. We were friends until year 8 when we started slipping apart but made the unhealthy decision to stay friends. Our friendship was like cigarettes, you know its unhealthy but don’t want to quit. Year 9 was the year I decided to over come my addiction to this poisonous  relationship. I left her with all her new friends behind me, being in none of the same classes made it easy but our out of school activity’s were the exact same so I was bound to see her at least 3 times a week.

In year 9 I went through 6 friend groups, at every one there were those already made inside jokes, the secrets and lies riddled together by teenage girls. Needless to say I left the year with no one; other than my volleyball team.

There is one person I felt was going to be there for me, she was going through friend stuff and I was in need of someone to talk to. Her and I got close and fast. We would tell each other everything. We made inside jokes and our own little secrets. New years came and her and her friends were close again. The person I thought would be there for me drifted away, we still talk and tell each other everything, well I thought we did.

It turns out people change, those days I would fake being sick just to get away from my fear of being alone were going to happen again.

The truth is I have no one. I know its pathetic but I really don’t

to the person I thought was my life saver, not saying that one thing to me broke me, you will never understand…

Sorry about this one. A big rant.

love everyone.

Being in a car, going somewhere I’ve never been; brings me joy. Just the mystery of what will happen, who will you meet… Being with friends is the best part, being able to share these special moments with people who just brighten your day, and never fail to make you laugh.

Day one is always the best. The car ride, listening to loud music, a new place, getting settled in, and planning the adventures for the days to come.

Day two is like a new beginning. Looking around the new town, getting your first tan while soaking in your new surroundings. That night going on a walk to the beach near the place we stayed. Bringing back childhood memories.

Day three is for adventure. Going to a hidden beach, like a little hide away. Getting sand everywhere from trying to play beach volleyball while not paying full attention. Then going back to the villa and playing cards and pretending we know what we are doing with our lives.

Day four is for hiking to new heights. Going from a gravel road to the most beautiful sights I’ve ever seen. From native trees to water falls, making friends along the way (even if they are high)… Then going to castle rock and your mum making new friends, to climb high into the clouds… literally.  Taking cute photos we will never delete and while walking down making jokes we will never forget.

Day five is the saddest. All packed up and ready to leave. Making a few stops on our journey home. Comparing tan lines and recalling our favorite parts.

The tan lines may fade but the memories never will.

Thanks for reading…

Music is my life. I play guitar, a little piano and I sing. Without music I wouldn’t be able to cope with anything life has thrown at me. Moving to New Zealand with a different accent to what kiwis are used to caused me to get bullied a lot. getting bullied caused me to become very shy and lost within myself.

When I was in year 5 I met this girl we will just call hear Rose. she was my best friend, we lived close to each other and were always with each other. In year 8 we started splitting up, she was hanging with her friends and I was with mine. when her and I split I had no one. i still don’t. everyone is so excited about school starting soon but im not, im petrified. just the thought of the first morning tea not having anywhere to go. the chaos of everyone finding their friends and i will be standing with no where to go.

that’s where music helps me. when im lost i just go to the music rooms. That’s how i get out of classes, not that im trying to get out of class. music is my escape. When i have no one i just go sit somewhere and plug in my headphones.

Having no one to talk to, to gossip with.

Recently I found someone. we will never be able to say we have been friends since kindy. but we will be able to say that we have grown together and that we have learnt a lot through each other. she has her friends but is always so welcoming and I fell like i can actually talk to someone.

what im trying to say is you might feel like you have no one, and that life will never get better. but look around, smile at a stranger try make a friend and don’t give up. try out for a sports team, try something new…

thanks for reading.

Enjoy your life.