To you…

I understand if you don’t like me. I understand if you don’t want to be seen with me. I understand that you deserve everything and I cant give that to you. I understand you don’t want to get hurt but neither do I. I understand if you find someone better, its not that hard. I understand if you don’t want me. I understand that you want to take it slow, and I respect that. But bubs can you try. Tell me how you really fell, please.

I had a panic attack in the school bathroom because I thought I lost you. Please understand what you mean to me.

But I hope you understand that I love you. everything about you. You will probably never read this but I’ve fallen hard for you. I don’t want to get hurt, please don’t hurt me. Please understand I wont hurt you, I will never want to hurt you. You are everything to me. You make me happy when im crying.

Highs and Lows…

Days come and go. They are good and bad.

Recently more bad than good. Something so stupid making me cry myself to sleep almost every night. The nightmare of not being able to go to nationals slowly becoming a reality. Nothing is getting better.

Not wanting to go to school becoming a day to day event. My bed holding me hostage every day. Boredom takes over my days as I sit in the classes full of empty bodies, the emotionless humans surround me. I cant escape.

Why is everyone so annoying. Talk to much, to loud, to in my business. New person… we’ll call her Dorothy. I feel like she wants to wreak my life. The one time im happy she comes along and sticks her makeup covered face in my business. I’m over it.  Can she please leave me alone. Being a friend you are supposed to want me to be happy but I feel like you just want to break me apart.

 

At a low in life. Over it. Just want to be happy.

Its been a while…

Life happens. Now third term and slightly dyeing. I’m realizing that instead of doing nothing every day these holidays I should have done my homework.

Nothing intense has happened. I’m now in an amazing goofy friend group, who I love to bits. I surround myself with amazing positive people. im pretty content with where im at. work is good and fun, youth is amazing, school is school but we started our new techs so now I get to do music four times a week. im happy.

Not everything is going perfect but its about finding the good in every situation.

Life is a crazy roller coaster of happiness and tears. lets see where it takes us…

My getaway…

10 days in paradise. I’ve never wanted anything more. Time away from everyone. From everything. I never knew 10 days would be to long.

Day one: Bliss, no one knew each other. So many friendships could be made.

Day two: People were finding there way around getting lost every now and then. Very few people had made friends, more like a 10 second conversation in the elevator than never to be seen again.

Day three: The first island. People started seeing each other more regularly. Some connections were made. As for me, I was on a beautiful french island, went snorkeling for the first time, and had an amazing tour of the vast landscape.

Day four: Another island. Snorkeling. And lots of laughs, a lesson learnt was ‘don’t point at fish, they don’t really like it’ thanks Bronwyn for that one…

Day five: Yet another island. Groups were crowing, and I continued to go snorkeling with my family. This day was different we went on a boat and snorkeled in the middle of a lagoon. Things got interesting when I saw a sea snake but its all part of nature. I also got the opportunity to hold a turtle which was amazing, the little things are so cute.

Day six: Snorkeling off a beach, beautiful scenery. So close to the end. The nightmare that could happen was being put into action, groups. Friends. And I sat alone…

Day seven: The last island , we decided to do our own thing, as it was the smallest island we couldn’t really get lost as you could see both sides of the island at all times. By now I just wanted to go home. The warm embrace of my bed, with my dog nicely cuddled up next to me. My bird chirping away. The school yard of teenagers becoming more present day by day.

Day eight: Sea day. Waves causing the slights wobble to my walk making me look drunk at ten in the morning. This day was difficult, my long for home was incredible. Just to be away from all the rich kids thinking they are the top dogs. To be back to gossip, and laughs with my friends.

Day 9: The last day. The boring day. Packing. Reading over the homework I should have done. Getting lost in my thoughts on the sun lounger. The worst day led to the best night. Music everywhere you went. The atrium full of moving body’s, singing along to every song. Lots of eye contact but no words…

Day 10: The hardest and easiest part. Getting off. As much as I wanted to go back to my tropical paradise I missed my home. All good things have to come to an end, and it was time this one did.

 

The truth is everywhere you go there will be friendships. People will make friends, and I just wanted to get back to mine.

getting away…

As the rain falls at this late hour I can only dream of whats happening on Monday. The new experience. out of the country, and away from all this drama.

Going to a country I haven’t been before. ticking them off one by one.

A cruise to a summer paradise.

The only thing I hate is leaving. Not Being able to talk to my friends, or share my experiences. Recently I have talked to people who I haven’t talked to in ages, its annoying how when we just started talking im going for a month.

straight after getting back from the cruise i get the chance to go to Great Barrier island for 16 days. im excited to see what the future holds…

Tomorrow/today ( 11/03 ) is my amazing sisters birthday. I love her to bits. She is my best friend. She will always be there for me when i am down and I for Her.

Im over it…

I’m over putting 100% into someone and not getting at least 50% back. This isn’t just about guys, its about friends as well. I always put so much into everyone and everything. People my age don’t do that. People in general don’t do that.

Have you ever wanted to change something so bad that every night you cry because of it. because same.

I don’t know why im like this and normally people will say ” and I don’t care” but the truth is I do; I care. I have lost so many people because of this. It kills me.

I worry more about what others say and think about me I would change anything and everything. I wore makeup to school; all because someone looked at me the wrong way. Or what I think is the wrong way.

Everybody says “don’t think about what others say about you” but the truth is I have tried, and I cant. Every time some one merely looks at me I over think it and go nuts trying to think up some crazy reason why they looked at me. Even if they didn’t look at me and were just scanning to find someone.

idk im probably crazy.

Valentines day…

Well…

Since I have never been in any form of relationship I have never received anything for valentines. Through the years my friends and we always get each other chocolate or a little teddy but nothing of incredible value. This year is going to be very different.

I’m still not sure where I am with friend groups and who likes to hang out with me. Tbh it sucks. I have no one to talk to about my mini dramas, I have no one to gossip to about year 9s thinking they are top notch.

I have no one to talk to about how over guys I am. like seriously guys are annoying, they don’t speak their mind, they don’t say things straight up. If you are a guy reading this go tell your crush you like them. Go tell that annoying chick who keeps asking you out to stop and you don’t like her. Stop beating around the bush. be straight up.

School sucks, seeing people who I haven’t talked to in ages. It breaks me when I cant just go up to them and gossip or cry or laugh.

I’m over school and its only the third week, thank goodness I’m going away for a month so I can get away from this hell hole.

Friends…

I have never been popular. I have never had 20 friends. Sure I know lots of people but I can’t go up to any of them and talk about whats really going on in my life.

In year 5 I made a friend, we were inseparable. We were friends until year 8 when we started slipping apart but made the unhealthy decision to stay friends. Our friendship was like cigarettes, you know its unhealthy but don’t want to quit. Year 9 was the year I decided to over come my addiction to this poisonous  relationship. I left her with all her new friends behind me, being in none of the same classes made it easy but our out of school activity’s were the exact same so I was bound to see her at least 3 times a week.

In year 9 I went through 6 friend groups, at every one there were those already made inside jokes, the secrets and lies riddled together by teenage girls. Needless to say I left the year with no one; other than my volleyball team.

There is one person I felt was going to be there for me, she was going through friend stuff and I was in need of someone to talk to. Her and I got close and fast. We would tell each other everything. We made inside jokes and our own little secrets. New years came and her and her friends were close again. The person I thought would be there for me drifted away, we still talk and tell each other everything, well I thought we did.

It turns out people change, those days I would fake being sick just to get away from my fear of being alone were going to happen again.

The truth is I have no one. I know its pathetic but I really don’t

to the person I thought was my life saver, not saying that one thing to me broke me, you will never understand…

 

Sorry about this one. A big rant.

love everyone.

Road Trips…

Being in a car, going somewhere I’ve never been; brings me joy. Just the mystery of what will happen, who will you meet… Being with friends is the best part, being able to share these special moments with people who just brighten your day, and never fail to make you laugh.

Day one is always the best. The car ride, listening to loud music, a new place, getting settled in, and planning the adventures for the days to come.

Day two is like a new beginning. Looking around the new town, getting your first tan while soaking in your new surroundings. That night going on a walk to the beach near the place we stayed. Bringing back childhood memories.

Day three is for adventure. Going to a hidden beach, like a little hide away. Getting sand everywhere from trying to play beach volleyball while not paying full attention. Then going back to the villa and playing cards and pretending we know what we are doing with our lives.

Day four is for hiking to new heights. Going from a gravel road to the most beautiful sights I’ve ever seen. From native trees to water falls, making friends along the way (even if they are high)… Then going to castle rock and your mum making new friends, to climb high into the clouds… literally.  Taking cute photos we will never delete and while walking down making jokes we will never forget.

Day five is the saddest. All packed up and ready to leave. Making a few stops on our journey home. Comparing tan lines and recalling our favorite parts.

The tan lines may fade but the memories never will.

Thanks for reading…

Music…

Music is my life. I play guitar, a little piano and I sing. Without music I wouldn’t be able to cope with anything life has thrown at me. Moving to New Zealand with a different accent to what kiwis are used to caused me to get bullied a lot. getting bullied caused me to become very shy and lost within myself.

When I was in year 5 I met this girl we will just call hear Rose. she was my best friend, we lived close to each other and were always with each other. In year 8 we started splitting up, she was hanging with her friends and I was with mine. when her and I split I had no one. i still don’t. everyone is so excited about school starting soon but im not, im petrified. just the thought of the first morning tea not having anywhere to go. the chaos of everyone finding their friends and i will be standing with no where to go.

that’s where music helps me. when im lost i just go to the music rooms. That’s how i get out of classes, not that im trying to get out of class. music is my escape. When i have no one i just go sit somewhere and plug in my headphones.

Having no one to talk to, to gossip with.

Recently I found someone. we will never be able to say we have been friends since kindy. but we will be able to say that we have grown together and that we have learnt a lot through each other. she has her friends but is always so welcoming and I fell like i can actually talk to someone.

what im trying to say is you might feel like you have no one, and that life will never get better. but look around, smile at a stranger try make a friend and don’t give up. try out for a sports team, try something new…

thanks for reading.

Enjoy your life.